November 10, 2009

S Club Juniors: A suicide death cult?

I was merrily doing my dance mat workout this morning, when I picked “One Step Closer” by S Club Juniors. I hadn’t done the song in a while, since it is one of the easier songs, but hey, on expert mode it’s a warm up at least. Even after the purchase of Dancing Stage Fever, I’m doing the same songs over and over again, so I really cant wait until I get set up with Stepmania, which is free open source software (identical to Dancing Stage and much more customisable with songs). Thanks to the person who recommended this!

As I am dancing, since it doesn’t require as much concentration, I read the lyrics. I had always assumed it to be an innocent love song, given that the S Club Juniors are (or were) 12 year olds.

I’ve been waitin’
Such a long time just tryin’ to get through
And its takin’
All of my strength to keep me here, away from you.

Cute, right?

It doesn’t matter just how long it takes
Nothing changes when we’re apart
It’s just a little bit longer, we’ve come this far!

Awww. It continues:

One step closer to heaven baby
Means one step closer to you
There’ll be no more livin’ without you baby
I’m counting each minute ’till I’m back to you
One step closer to heaven baby
Hold on! Hold on! Hold on to my lovin’!

Either they are serenading a dead lover (still a bit creepy) or the song is referring to God.

I’ve been savin’ every little bit of my love for you
I’ve been dreamin’ just to get by,
It’s so exciting, fantasisin’

It doesn’t matter just how long it takes
Just to know we’re back together
And this time it’s forever!

One step closer to heaven baby
Means one step closer to you
There’ll be no more living without you baby
I’m counting each minute ’till I’m back to you
One step closer to heaven baby
Hold on! Hold on! Hold onto my lovin’!

 

Watch the video and make up your own mind. Nauseating pre-pubescent manufactured pop? Or something more sinister?


November 9, 2009

Sam vs. Life

Alex and I get the keys to the new flat on Saturday. This is hugely exciting for me, not only because of my lovely boyfriend, but I get to do what every girl secretly dreams about: homemaking.

I know, I know, what has happened to the Atheist Rockstar(TM) who is taking on religion and giving nonsense a good slapping? What about the articles, the books, the public speaking, the denouncing all gods on prime time TV?

Don’t worry. She’s still there. Ever since CQUK finished, I’ve really been out of sorts, and have found it very hard to motivate myself to do anything. Essentially I’ve been on mental hiatus. Still, I’ve been working on a book proposal, speaking at one or two functions (debate at the Cambridge Union coming up next week!), and procrastinating for my Masters. But I’m learning that life doesn’t always have to be about the drive to succeed, make money and be the best. Sometimes life should just be about throw cushions. And drawer organisers.

Oh the drawer organisers!

When Alex and I started going out, we went into a kitchen shop together. I never thought I would find a man who gets as excited as I do about Tupperware. And good quality pepper grinders. Now we have a whole flat to organise and equip together. We’ll certainly get the underbed wheely storage boxes, but most of what we start with will be from Freecycle, eBay, or passed down from various grandparents. My grandmother had some amazing coloured crystal wine glasses. And my mother has given us a handmade tea/coffee set from the Isle of Skye that was a wedding present (they got several tea sets – these were in the days before wedding lists, presumably).

So for the next few weeks I will continue to struggle with my commitments: my Camp Quest duties, my Masters reading, and general important life stuff. But I think it’s only fair to allow myself to experience the thrill of living with someone new in a brand new place, the excitement of going into a homeware shop and looking at boxes, bins, blankets, bookshelves and bedspreads, and finally getting to choose all the little details.

I need to allow myself to be a bit lazy sometimes, and focus on things that make me happy. It’s hard for me to do, because I have always defined my worth by my success. I hope that the wheels will start turning again and I am able to face “life”. But until then, anyone for a Large Magnetic Spice Rack?

October 28, 2009

Dance Dance Dance

Back in May, I posted about the Freshman 15, my Pringle binging, and how I was trying to lose a bit of weight.

Now it’s October, and another kilo (2.2 pounds) has crept on since then. I made a little graph of my weight since the age of 18 and realised that if I extrapolated, I would be overweight in a few years. It’s come on so slowly that it feels much harder to shift.

However, I have discovered the joys of pure cardio in the form of Dancing Stage Megamix. The workout setting defaults at burning 200 calories per session. I’ve been doing this every day for about a week. Unfortunately, both Dancing Stage and Dance Dance Revolution titles are massively restricted in this country (at least for the PS2), and finding any more titles, even online, is proving difficult. I suspect this is because Wii has just released Dance Dance Revolution – and therefore own the rights or something. Well, it’s just typical that I finally find a form of exercise that is fun, burns a crap load of calories, and I can be bothered to do every day – and I can’t do it because I don’t have (and don’t want) a Wii.

Still, I’m determined not to give up. I’d love a proper arcade version – the kind built on a wooden frame, but I don’t know whether they are compatible with the PS2/3 in the UK. Anyone knowledgeable in such areas should inform me immediately.

Anyway, I am weighing and measuring myself weekly, and while my weight has stayed constant, my muscle mass has gone up (according to the “personal trainer” scales my parents have). I hope that this amount of exercise daily will amount to slow, steady weight loss that is sustainable.

Oh, and I’m totally rocking expert mode.

October 26, 2009

BBC Radio 2: Growing Up With God – Tuesday 27th Oct, 10:30pm

I’ll be on the radio again tomorrow. This time for a BBC 2 documentary about children and faith/lack of faith. I’ll be talking a bit about Camp Quest and a bit about raising children in a non-religious community. At least, that’s what we talked about, I may have been edited out of the realms of comprehension. The way I recorded it was interesting: the interviewer is not the guy who will be on the show, they will cut it in with someone else.

Also featured will be, I believe, Prof Bruce Hood, author of Supersense and his daughter, a CQUK camper.

October 16, 2009

Autumn is finally here!

Autumn is my favourite season for many reasons. The colours, the smells (dead leaves), the great holidays (Bonfire Night + Halloween)… and the food. Autumn food almost makes me want to be nothing but a cosy housewife, whose duties involves baking, and having dinner ready when the kids come home from school. It would be a good life in the world of autumn.

Today I used up APPLES. I didn’t have the energy to make an apple pie – making the crust is so long winded – but luckily I stumbled upon this wonderful Apple Pie Cookie Recipe. Oh man. Is it a pie, is it a cookie? No one knows! But these bad boys sure are tasty…

Here are the fruits (ha ha) of my labour.

DSCN5797

They came out very fluffy and light (don’t be deceived into thinking these are a health food – they’re really not), which I imagine was due to the milk. I used butter instead of shortening. They weren’t incredibly apple pie like… they could have done with more apple… but rather tasty for a cool autumn day.

My next project will be making fun Halloween food. I imagine pumpkins will be involved somehow…

October 6, 2009

I talk to Leicester Secular Society

On Sunday I made my first foray into public speaking. I was asked to give a 40 minute talk to Leicester Secular Society, the oldest secular group in the world.

I was pretty excited to be asked, as it would give me a place to practise, and a chance to tell people more about this infamous summer camp.

My mum and brother accompanied me up to Leicester, where we were shown around Secular Hall, a purpose-built facility built in 1851 (I think), which has a large ballroom and a smaller meeting hall, where I was to talk. After years of being terrified to speak up at school, I’ve now become hard to shut up, so I have to admit that although I was nervous, I was pretty excited about giving my talk. I went on for 35 minutes and talked to a small group of about 20 people, but the great thing was that everyone was engaged. The LSS seems to suffer from a common trait in secular groups – an older membership. There were a couple of younger people there, but surprisingly few students.

After the talk I had a multitude of questions that lasted for another 25 minutes and then biscuits and tea were served, while I chatted to a few members. They were hugely supportive of our endeavours with some excellent ideas regarding sources of funding.

I’ll post the video on youtube shortly, and when I do I will put the link onto my media page.

October 2, 2009

Fun times at BBC Radio 2

My mood has been very up and down recently, but yesterday was one of those weirdly wonderful days.

I woke up to an out-of-the-blue e-mail from someone I met at AAI 2008 (Atheist Alliance International for all those not in the know) telling me what a good job I had done with Camp Quest and generally wishing me the best. Somehow it seems more special when someone you hardly know says things like that.

So I went to my first class of the year and met all my new coursemates, who are an interesting bunch. It’s funny how the course I’m on (Religion in Contemporary Society) seems to attract a certain type of person… I won’t make assumptions and say atheist necessarily, but certainly someone who takes the claims of religions with a pinch of salt. After class we sat in the student bar and chatted. I’ve really missed having classes and hanging out after class chatting about the course, current events, why creationism is bogus. (Yes, BOGUS. I said it)

At 4pm I had to dash off to Weston House, which houses BBC Radio 2. I’d been asked to appear on a show concerning children being brought up with a faith and without one,  to talk about Camp Quest UK and the general ideas behind it. I have to say, I thought it went very well. The man who interviewed me won’t actually be on the programme – so they will have to do a bit of splicing and dicing, but I tried my best to give full answers and mention Camp Quest UK as many times as I could. I also lost count of the number of times I mentioned “community”.

The show will be aired on Tuesday 27th October on BBC Radio 2. I’ll let you know the time/name of the show when I know it.

I could really get used to being on the radio. I enjoy the sensation of hearing my voice through a “radio” microphone – I sound all deep and husky like a real presenter. There’s also a big adrenaline rush (in a good way), and I suppose a pride in being on the radio. I was connected into my interviewer in Manchester, so it was really just me, sitting in a small studio booth alone, soldiering on with the questions. It felt awesome.

September 23, 2009

Medicalising the mind

I’ve been thinking a lot about mental disorders recently, and how we love to categorise them. We also love to invent drugs to cure them.

On Monday I went to the doctor for blood test results, and I am starting to suspect that the issues for which we are trying to find a “cause” are caused by stress, anxiety or depression, or some combination of the three. The doctor, a bright-eyed and earnest young thing, probably fresh out of medical school, is referring me for scans and all sorts. I asked her if we found no “physical” cure, and it turned out to be stress, what would the treatment be?

Antidepressants.

So the idea is that the antidepressants would treat the stress, then the stress wouldn’t be there to disrupt the physical things, so the physical things would get better. Huh.

I understand that my American friends are very much used to drugging and being drugged. But as many of you declare yourself “freethinkers”, let’s try and think outside the box. Where is the evidence that drugs work for mental disorders? It’s varied, shaky, inconclusive and tainted by pharmaceutical companies.

Or think about this: according to R.D.Laing, psychiatry itself was founded on a false epistemology: illness diagnosed by conduct but treated biologically. Others claim that psychiatry is, in many cases, unfalsifiable, and a pseudoscience.

The more reading I do, the more evidence I see that depression is not, as many people believe, caused by a chemical imbalance. The imbalance is a symptom of the depression. This means that treating the symptoms does bugger all for the cause.

There is a movement of “critical psychiatrists” who believe that psychiatry is not credible as a science. You may want to read this if you are interested in that sort of thing: Psychiatric Imperialism: The Medicalisation of Modern Living

I’m starting to come around to this way of thinking. Antidepressants are increasingly not making sense to me. You are sad? Here, have some drugs, make it all better! No matter what the actual cause of your depression is.

Considering that we all have more or less the same amount of crappy things happening to us, what causes some people to become depressed? I suppose it is one’s reaction to the environment. How we respond and make sense of things.

I’ve also been reading up about a link between depression and so-called “over-dreaming”. See diagram below.

The Cycle of Depression

The Cycle of Depression from http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/

Now I’m not saying that this is absolute gospel, but I think it’s an interesting idea. It’s certainly fit in with a lot of what I have been feeling in the last few months.

It’s redundant to say that obviously a lot more research needs to be done into this, but I think there are some general areas of progress that could be made with regards to mental illness.

1. Make psychotherapy more available to all. To do this, we need to start realising its importance in helping people, and we also need to realise that it’s not an indulgence or a luxury.

2. Stop prescribing drugs as an initial treatment. After my  head injury I went to the doctor. I had to see a different doctor than my usual one. After a brief consultation he had decided I was depressed and prescribed citalopram. Bam. Job done. I could almost see him tallying up the symptoms in his head and thinking, “sounds like depr… GIVE HER DRUGS”

3. Stop implying causality with every discovery about brain functions. (I’m talking to YOU, Serotonin Hypothesis!)

4. Remove stigma from mental illness. I’m doing my part by talking about it with people in an open and honest way. I encourage you to engage in the debate. The most important thing I would advise is that you must never ever blame someone for their depression, because I guarantee you, they have already been blaming themselves for years.

DISCLAIMER: If you are experiencing severe depression please talk to your GP or the Samaritans, or someone… the internet is a huge resource. Use it. Don’t use my blog as medical advice, see it as a discussion point.

September 17, 2009

Dealing with stress – the Stein way

I woke up at 7am when Alex went to work, had a cuddle then slept until 9:30am when I wrapped my duvet around myself and sat in front of the computer. I looked at my spider diagram to-do list and wrote a linear to-do list from its branches.

Yes, that's some to-do list. When I have to start scheduling personal time to see my friends, I know I'm overworked.

Yes, that's some to-do list. When I have to start scheduling personal time to see my friends, I know I'm overworked.

I then stared at it for a while.

I checked my e-mails and felt my blood pressure rise and the all too familiar adrenaline/cortisol rush.

I wondered how much of this is physical and how much psychological and how much environmental, and whether my blood tests will actually show anything useful that can be fixed.

At around 11am I had a 10 minute chat with a nice man from the BBC who was doing research for another radio documentary.

At about 11:30am I went back to bed, had a cry and huddled in a small ball under my duvet.

I then finished the giant popcorn from the cinema last night, which had gone stale, and the rest of a bar of ginger chocolate (this was the highlight of my day so far).

Things that are stressing me out are the huge amount of people demanding things from me, none of which I am getting paid for (yet) and most of which I keep putting off, not having any money, problems with the claim for my head injury, and not being able to remember the last time I did something that I enjoyed. And this all before my Masters even starts back up again.

Oh yeah, and my complete inability to motivate myself to even unwrap myself from my duvet.

The thing that is going to make today not suck completely is that tonight I am due a lovely evening, celebrating my and Alex’s two month anniversary…

September 13, 2009

Who’s this little cutey patootie?

Say hello to Ninja, our new rescue kitty!

Half cat, half cow, full ninja!

Half cat, half cow, full ninja!

She was very skittish the first few days but is slowly calming down. We think she has been shouted at a lot because she is jumpy at loud noises and doesn’t climb on any of the furniture. She also has a “kitteh reverse” function where she sidles backwards into a little cubby hole when she is scared. She was named Molly, we called her ninja because she runs around so quickly that we can never see her. She also hides. Today she fell down the back of the fridge. Silly kitty! :)

She is however the biggest softy you will ever meet. She’s got a loud purr and loves being cuddled and held (although isn’t yet sure about trusting people enough to sit on laps). We certainly lucked out with this kitty!